yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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