hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
