Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you win again, gameday.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
