I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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