I hate your face
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She's the barista slut.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
