We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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