can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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