Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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