it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
