I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
