You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
