My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
