So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize
