I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
