i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
