don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
