evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
