Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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