Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Yo dont text me then not text me
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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