There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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