Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
