Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We left the knife in your bed.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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