I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
