Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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