my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
