Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
