The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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