I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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