she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
