Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
