And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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