Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
