3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
