i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
