I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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