I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
