Who wears a wallet chain?!
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
