I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
