you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
