Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
