Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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