Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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