woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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