I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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