Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
