They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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