I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
