Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
