My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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