I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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